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Blog

This blog page has been launched to promote femininity and female empowerment, and to raise visibility of Fascinating Womanhood: an international femininity movement and guide to help women make their marriage into a lifelong love affair in the bestselling book written by Helen B. Andelin.  

Fascinating Womanhood Timeless Principle: Why Hinting and Mind Reading Don’t Work

Richard Forsyth

"We adore more than we irritate, that's why we've lasted so long" 
~Cathy Thorne
 
   Why do we hint for things? I am still guilty of it sometimes.  I think it's because, in our own minds, it sort of seems to "soften the blow" of what we want. It makes me seem less selfish, to me anyway.

   Stop hoping for men to be mind readers. They just aren't.  They aren’t good at it. Unfortunately, most men either don't get the hint at all (they don't even know we've hinted for something) or misunderstand it. They would much rather we spare them the intrigue and just ask. Be a little outspoken in a feminine way of course. Drop the hinting.

   Whatever you do, don't berate, belittle or nag; no one likes that. It's unattractive and doesn't work.

   For example, let's say you are at a store and see a pair of adorable shoes you'd love to have. What do you say? "I sure need a new pair of shoes". How about "I love these shoes. Aren't they adorable?" Then you wait. And get silence or "Yes, they are cute". Period.  If he does say something like  "Do you want them?" do you ever say "Yes. Is it okay?"

   We mean well. But sometimes we interpret his lack of response as lack of love. In fact, he probably has no idea that you're hinting at all. This shows the great difference between men and women in our perspectives.

   The problem with this approach is that it almost never works and often frustrates men who don't get it and would rather you just tactfully say what it is you would like in the first place. Sometimes we misunderstand men and think "If he loved me, he would know what I like. I gave such a huge hint. He had to get it".  Mind reading is what men often think we expect of them.  In reality few, if any, are good at it.   

   Have you ever wanted your husband to fix something around the house and he just didn't "get around" to it? Oh boy.  You can avoid unnecessary hurt feelings, frustration and anxiety when you learn to not be a one-woman home improvement committee. 

   There is a better way. 

The Light Fixture 

   Once, when we were in college, I acquired a light fixture that needed to be hung. It was kind of heavy and hard to manage, so I asked Bob if he would hang it for me. He said "sure" but indicated he didn't have time that day. He was going to graduate school and was very busy.

   I should first explain that he didn't consider himself proficient at home improvement  projects nor did he like doing them. So, days went by and the light fixture sat in the corner of our bedroom, un-hung. I decided to "give him the hint" and put it on the bed on his side hoping he would notice he hadn't yet honored his promise to me. I came in later and it was back on the floor in the corner where I had first put it. I tried asking him when he would have time to hang it and he basically let me know I was beginning to hound him.

   I realized at that point it might be years before he ever felt like doing it. At first I was angry because I really wanted help. It was not only heavy but hard to do alone. Then I decided it was just not worth putting so much energy into trying to get him to do something he wasn't comfortable with. I tried another approach. Knowing it would be difficult without help, I began to install it myself right about the time I knew he would be coming home. I got out a ladder and made sure my attire fit my inner feelings of needing help and wanting to be rescued from this situation. I wore a really pretty skirt and felt very feminine. When he walked in, I was attempting to put a hook into the ceiling to attach the heavy fixture, but it was obviously difficult for me. I am shorter than he is and not as strong. He immediately rushed to my rescue, had me climb down from the ladder (he felt protective), and installed the light fixture himself right then and there. No advance planning.

   For those who might think this was manipulative…remember, the difference between manipulation and good psychology is intent. He felt great helping and protecting me; I felt great being helped and rescued from a heavy task that was really too much for me.