Have you ever heard a relationship guru say something like this?
The best marriages aren’t 50%-50%, they’re 100%-100%.
The idea here is that both partners, rather than meeting each other halfway, should ideally give 100% of themselves to the relationship. Sounds fantastic, doesn’t it? Two people who love each other giving their all to their partner for the rest of their lives; ahhh, what a beautiful life that could be. But can you spot the problem with this commonly held ideal? What do you do when you’re willing and committed to doing your part 100% but your spouse or partner is only giving, say, 60%, or even 45%? Is your relationship doomed? Is it time to bring the hammer down on the person you love most? Will that even be effective if you do?
The problem with the 100/100 equation is that it requires both parties to be on exactly the same page, with the same levels of understanding and identical priorities. The only way to really find this perfect setup is to marry a duplicate of yourself! You can’t change another person, though I’ve seen a lot of frustrated wives trying to do just that. Of course, it’s completely understandable; they’re trying to save their marriages! But who in this world is enjoys being “reformed” by someone else? I certainly don’t, and your man will not appreciate it either.
It’s true that an ideal partnership, an ideal marriage, would involve each person giving all they have for the benefit of their spouse. We all want that. But the 100/100 mentality is one that simply doesn’t work, because it doesn’t take into account free will. Your man doesn’t have to give 100%, even if he should, and no amount of coercion on your part is going to change his ability to choose his own path. If anything, having those kinds of expectations regarding everything he does can damage and even destroy your relationship. So then, what can you do?
Here’s the good news: if you can say with confidence that you’ve got yourself a basically good man (one who may not be perfect, but who tries), then the success of your marriage does not depend on his conscious cooperation. The truth is, you are the magic in your relationship. How is that possible?
Here’s the good news: the success of your marriage does not depend on his conscious cooperation.
Well, for one thing, you have a special inborn skill in an area he probably finds challenging. Women tend to be, by far, more relationship oriented and sensitive than men. As a result, when there are even small weaknesses that crop up in your marriage, you will tend to notice the little red flag and seek to correct or mend it rather than wait until a large red flag is waving furiously. The danger of waiting, or of not noticing, could lead you into a situation where your relationship is beyond repair. But as a female, your Relationship Radar warns you well before any of that can happen. Your feminine instincts are more powerful and valuable than you know.
For example, let’s say your loving husband usually says “goodbye” when he leaves for work and then for a few days, doesn’t. Most women will not only notice, but wonder if something is wrong and then launch into sort of detective mode to try to assess the problem, if any. Now switch the scenario and imagine what would happen if you stopped a small behavior like that. It would take a lot longer for your guy to launch into detective mode. Men are much less likely to notice the small things, only becoming concerned when something large happens. And by then, it’s sometimes too late. My husband Bob has noticed in his practice, and has said for years, that when a woman has burned out in a relationship, it’s almost always too late for repair even if the man has finally noticed and is ready to do “whatever it takes” to repair it. This is because women are the ones who see problems much earlier, and we are the ones who most often don’t give up until there’s nothing left.
Men are much less likely to notice the small things, only becoming concerned when something large happens.
As females, the way our brains are wired makes us naturally inclined to be focused on developing relationships, and more sensitive to the smaller details within those relationships. Did you know that studies with very small babies have shown that baby girls focus most on faces while baby boys focus more on moving things, or objects? Now, think of what sorts of movies adult men statistically love going to (that’s right, action, adventure—lots of moving objects—and anything with a grand quest or “target”), then contrast that to the movies the majority of us ladies prefer (any genre, yes, but especially stories where compelling relationships are portrayed; the term “chick flick” came about for a reason). We were born caring about the people around us, with the skills to both recognize when our relationships with them are in jeopardy and the sensitivity to know what is needed to help in such situations. We are much more likely to know when our man needs cheering up, when he’s under immense pressure, when he just needs a silent companion by his side, or when he he’s ready to share information with you about something that’s been troubling him. Our special Radar picks up subtle clues, enabling us to help improve a situation quickly, and with ladylike flair.
Our special Radar picks up subtle clues, enabling us to help improve a situation quickly, and with ladylike flair.
Because of our latent feminine power, we have the ability to strengthen and deepen our marriages without our men even consciously knowing anything about it. You can tap into this as you absorb the very learnable principle of understanding men, the importance and power (yes, power) of femininity, and your role as “relationship leader” in the home. Applying these values consistently to your marriage can hold it together, even if your man seems to be giving less than that 100% we talked about. Naturally, it’d be easier if he simply gave his all. But men can’t be forced into feeling differently than they do. No one can. Influence goes a lot farther than any control we exert, and definitely wins the day more than till-you’re-blue-in-the-face conversations do.
Most women today have NO idea what kind of power and influence they have bubbling within them. But it’s not their fault. Modern feminism has been teaching for generations that we need to forsake a lot of our natural abilities in favor of adopting male skills and qualities. Chances are your mother (and maybe even your grandmother) never heard about the facets and value of feminine power because the idea has become polluted and lost. It’s not a selfish power, like many people might think. Nor is it a power connected to muscle strength or brute force—no, it’s an influence that is much more powerful than the overt, controlling power used by corrupt people. Feminine power contains a powerful magic that extends beyond our social circles, spanning multiple lifetimes. It’s lasting, whereas domination, force and manipulation are quickly forgotten once the person who wields them is gone.
Most women today have NO idea what kind of power and influence they have bubbling within them.
Connecting to your natural power base can feel very special, even intoxicating. You have the ability to influence the world around you by incorporating into your life the principles you learn through Fascinating Womanhood. Practice understanding men. Work on your feminine character. Develop and hone your sensitivity to the people around you, focusing most on the attributes and needs of your man. Give your all, not with strings attached but because you value your relationships above all else.
The real magic comes in the way you will inspire the people in your life, especially your man, to become the best versions of themselves. This is done not only through your example as a gracious and character-driven feminine woman, but as someone who understands how men think, shows sincere admiration, embodies girlishness and accepts at face value. Let these teachings become part of your being, and your man will gradually (and very naturally) make his way toward that 100% thing we talked about. I have hundreds of letters and messages from ladies testifying of the magic that lies in the Timeless principles of Fascinating Womanhood. This magic is available to every female out there, including you.
Let these teachings become part of your being, and your man will gradually (and very naturally) make his way toward that 100% thing we talked about.
Make the Timeless principles part of your lifelong regimen in creating the best you possible. They have the potential to make you, and those you love, happier than you could possibly dream of. Yes, you are the magic in your relationship, the glue that holds your home together. Learning how to find and focus this magic will take a lifetime at least to perfect, but that’s okay. What other goal could be more important, what success more fulfilling, than that of creating a lifelong love affair?